I need to stop using the word ‘sorry’ if I would allow you to be in pain again. They say, never to use the word sorry if you intend to do it again. I told you the other day, never again will they touch you but then I allowed you to be in pain again.

How can I allow you to be hurt? Not just once but 10times?

3 blood extractions
3 blood pricks
4 IV inserts

Your delicate skin covered with blood and wounds.

How can I allow you to draw out so much tears?

How can i hold you so tight, restrain you and allow you to look into my eyes with so much pain in yours?

My beautiful sunshine, Youre the only person who has drawn so much tears from me. Ive never felt so weak in my life. So helpless.

How come when youre in the mood to snuggle up to me, thats the time that I have to give you up for the doctors to hold on to you?

You were so sweet today, those rare moments where youre on your tummy, resting on my chest with your eyes looking at me.

They took 4ml of blood again. How can the same person who made you laugh with her little panda make you cry so hard?

The blood they drew out wasnt enough so They took another set when we went back to our room. The only place where you couldve been safe.

The only thing I could do was to let her breast feed to calm her down.
They were just doing their job. To check how youre doing. But how can something right feel so wrong?

I pray that the Lord will give wisdom to the doctors. If its His will, reveal whats causing this. And to give us a cure. Lord willing.

Thanks for this reminder brother. …I need to be filled with His truth.

The first step to overcoming fear is to believe God when He says about you:

‘…You are My servant; I have chosen you…do not fear, for I am with you…I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ (Isaiah 41:910 NIV)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

The words ‘fear not’ appear in the Bible all the way from Genesis to Revelation.

Why is that? Because God understands that fear is not only our biggest enemy but our constant companion, and He wants to help us overcome it.

Our comfort zones constrain us, imprisoning us in a thought system of our own devising. They are patrolled by sentries – negative thoughts and unexamined fears – that keep us firmly behind bars.

But the good news is, because fears are feelings, the faulty ones can be removed by faith in God, and you can become free from them.

Does this mean you can live totally free from fear?

No, writer Michael Ignatieff says: ‘Living fearlessly is not the same thing as never being afraid. It’s good to be afraid occasionally.

Fear is a great teacher.

What’s not good is living in fear, allowing fear to dictate your choices, allowing fear to define who you are.

Living fearlessly means standing up to fear, taking its measure, refusing to let it shape and define your life.

Living fearlessly means taking risks, taking gambles, not playing it safe.

It means refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer when you are sure that the answer should have been ‘yes’.

It means refusing to settle for less than what you are due, what is yours by right, what is yours by the sweat of your labour and your effort.’

And let’s add – what God has promised and planned for you.

Dr. Luna arrived to check up on Caitlin. We discussed my medical history, Caitlin’s and jayjay’s. They cant seem to pin point what is causing the 34,800 wbc count. They’re doing all kinds of tests to pin point it but every single time, its always comes in negative.
Blood, urine, fecalysis, cultures and all sorts plus they cant seem to connect the high count to Caitie’s disposition. She’s active  and doesnt show any hint of pain or signs of sickness or fever. She doesnt look sick! which should actually be evident with that kind of count.

Countless doctors have been approached for their advice and they have the same opinion as to the tests that our doctors are doing. Friends and client doctors have even approached us and tried to figure it out too but they too are puzzled.

With this, I actually found myself smiling. I sort of heard a small voice, a bounce for joy and a tickle in the bone.

I heard Him say “this is Me moving”

Wouldnt it be amazing? It already is!

No known cause, Caitie not getting pain, 24/7 aircon, the room all for us, sharing a single bed (partly my dream haha) all 3 of us.Its kind of getting a vacation.
The way He’s talking to me is starting to be so clear! Its His way of reaching out to someone. He’s protecting us all from physical pain because He is simply using us as messengers of His word.

I dont know who He’s trying to talk to other than to us both but I know He is!

I’m just so excited, doctors are puzzled and will be all the more puzzled with a better result of cbc after 2 days of no antibiotic / iv. I’m claiming!

God is being personal again! This is just so exciting.

I’ve crossed the bridge I guess. It was hard to surrender the feeling of fear and pain but I realized the this side is much better.

Surrender.

Just like my struggle 2 years back with “submitting” to your husband. Im a strong assertive and “ill do it myself” person but after surrendering and submitting, I realized how fun and much better it is! It even allowed my “chill” husband  to develop the leadership qualities I never saw when we were single!

So Lord, whatever it is. Whatever will happen, I know that You know that it will be painful for me. I’m sure its painful for You too.

I know you love Caitie. I know this is Your best plan. So whatever will happen, I’ll cry a bit but I’ll smile after.

Just as my sister would always say, the feelings are valid. Just dont dwell on them. Focus on the truth. Remember His promises and thats what you repeat in your mind and not those negative feelings.

My fear, my tears and my pain are valid but I cannot sulk. Its not helping.

I need to continue to claim His promises and be reminded as to who He is!

I have the best doctor out there. Thats You Lord.

I trust you. You know what you are doing.

I wont waste our tears, Caitie’s blood and nights where we had to sleep separately.

Today, we’ll be a bit more intentional than yesterday to the nurses, doctors, personel and even online

Who are You trying to reach out Lord?

It is the one reading this letter? If so, listen and obey na so Caitlin will get better and we can go back home
This is Your story for Caitie

Lets make Him know my little sunshine!

2 days before we got admitted

15 oxcacillin antibiotics

11 clindamycin antibiotics

2 blood extractions, 2 blood pricks

2 successful IV inserts and 2 failed ones,

2 blood cultures, 1 nose culture and 1 urine culture.

How can a 6 and a half-month-old baby take in so many medications and pain?

I’m overwhelmed with emotions I do not understand. I need to talk to myself and examine the situation.

Today is our 11^th day in the hospital.

Jayjay left for a prenup shoot in Bulacan. And we finally have a room mate in our semi-private shared room. The cbc blood test was asked for by our Dra. Luna, (infectious disease specialist) earlier than expected due to blood in Caitie’s stool last night. Right after breast feeding her, and falling asleep, the nurse suddenly tells me that Caitie should now be ready for her blood extraction. After 30 minutes, her urine bag is filled up and we start to undress her and transfer her to the examination room.

Instead of the resident doctors, our pedia Dra. Enriquez opted to extract the blood herself. The med techs haven’t arrived yet but she already wanted to start the procedure. Initially I wanted out of the room because I cant bear to see Caitie fight her way out of the bed.  But I had no choice. As I held her down the table, she looked at me and gave me that “mom, what’s going to happen? I don’t want to be here” and reached out to me.  She started to call out “mmmum… mmmuum” I don’t know if its just her reflex or she’s starting to associate “mom” and me. I asked her not to learn that word when we’re inside the room. Its too painful to remember her first word.

I stepped back and watched 4 doctors, 1 nurse and 2 med techs take over.

There were so many of them in that small room and I saw a mess of syringes, swabs, containers, gauze. I denied what was happening.

I was silently talking to myself. Asking if I should do what I see in the movies and scream for them to stop what they were doing. So many syringes were used (unlike the first time I saw them do the procedure back in the ER) there was just too much blood coming out of Caitie and everyone was just watching the doctor finish the procedure.

Her own blood covered her left hand. As I saw this, I realized that the blood that runs through her body is from me and her dad. How can I allow someone to hurt someone I’ve treasured so much. But I looped Jayjay’s voice “hon you need to be strong her Caitie” so I did but I realized that I was already at the end of the room near the door.

I wanted to grab her quickly. Even if they were just about to clean her hand, I held her up and embraced her tight. All I could say was “Im sorry…Im sorry Caitie…Mommy is sorry” And she rested on the shoulder. I ran back to our room only to find that her room mate is in seizure. The screams, the cries and the warm temperature of the room didn’t help at all. Good thing an old client of ours, Paul visited Caitie. It temporarily kept my mind off the situation and tried to entertain. It was good enough to hold off any anger I had.

I called up Jayjay and my sister just because I didn’t know what else to do anymore and needed to hear their voice. So I wont feel alone.

I cried while watching Caitie sleep in my arms. I didn’t want to let her go. No more. I just want to run away.

Last night, Jayjay and I finally had the time to be alone. I realized how much I missed being alone with him. I watched the man I married drive through the traffic in edsa, I realized how much I love him and how much I respect his decision and how much I have changed. He became the knight that could fight off any monster that would come our way. Here was my hero and I desperately needed him to bring light to our situation. I needed to hear the wisdom He has from the Lord.

Lord, whats your plan? Tara lets go! I want to obey and graduate already.

After watching Caitie go through so much pain, I understood the love of Jesus clearer. Being a parent has that effect I guess.

I wanted to swap places with Caitie. Ako na lang. Just so Caitie wont go through the pain.

The feeling must have been times 10 when God saw how much pain His children are going through and will go through. So He sent His Son, Jesus to go through the pain..death just so His children will be saved. “Ako na lang” must have been His tagalog version.

I got to embrace salvation to its purest form. Before it was a story I believed but this time the story is so alive… it became a part of me. I understood His love. I understood how important it is.

I understood why some things I cannot understand. Why some things have to happen the way they happened. Why events need to happen at the time when you don’t want it to happen.

No one can ever be prepared for illness or death. Its like a thief in the night. It doesn’t give a big warning sign “Hey ill rob your home tonight so watch out”

Yes I know this but the feeling sucks.

The excruciating pain in the heart. Like a jack hammer in loop.

The feeling of denial…then the feeling that “its my fault”… then the feeling of “what if”. All enveloped in the breathe of fear.

At this point, I’ve come to raise my white flag.

The flag which I think Dad has been waiting for.

Lord I surrender.

Lord I her completely to you.

Here we are again Lord. We’ve met in this road before…and here we are again.

and I’m sure youre saying ” Oh, you tried and tried, ako naman? ill show you my power”

Lord I don’t understand. Help me understand. I dont want to find out anymore what caused this. I just hold on to your cure. Just like that, if you want it, You can.

Lord let me believe in Your power.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Lord I trust you, help my fears.

Lord I know youll carry us through, help my doubts.

Just as you have carried me through every time, I know Lord, you will do so again this time. If before I couldn’t understand the reason and after a year, you let me understand it…then I know that this is yet another character building. Something you will use mightily.

Lord, let our pain be used for your Glory. I don’t know how but this…everything is for you.

Her story will be beautiful. Right Dad?

by the way, thanks for letting her shine bright and not letting her experience any pain

Your hurting daughter,

tine

P.S. Father please bring down her WBC from 34,160 to normal.

Please give me peace.

Since we never got to really have an official honeymoon after we got married, we planned to have a babymoon instead. Deciding on where to go was one touch decision. We really wanted to go out of the country one last time, checked out Europe trips, Japan, Cruises, but there was just no peace with them. And also we thought about the baby. My wife may not be able to endure much walking. So Amanpulo came into an option. I’ve always wondered how it looked, was the sand as powdery as boracay and most importantly why was it soooo expensive! Luckily my cousin who used to work there informed me that they have a current promo on going for Philippine residents.. and it was not bad! After getting clearance from our OB, I booked our stay and flight to Amanpulo.

With a hectic May schedule..I wanted to somehow make our stay in Amanpulo extra special. I  inquired if they did marriage rvewals there.. and they said they do wedding blessings! They sent me a couple of sample photos and the price for it… I gulped at the price at first and spent nights contemplating if it would be worth it! The factor that made me say yes to it was the thought that I may never get to go to this island again and it may be the last trip that my wife and I would be alone. My only request that they change the champagne that was included in the wedding blessing to fresh fruit juice instead.. Prego can’t take in any alcohol.

So after a 3 day streak shoot and with having a slight fever, we found ourselves heading for the Amanpulo hangar lounge. From the start, they already knew our names, took our bags, gave refreshments and snacks as we waited for the plane to get ready. We felt excited that this was going to be one memorable experience!  I emailed the guest officer of the menu we chose fot the special dinner that I had set after the wedding blessing and sat back and relaxed.

So let’s begin my story of how I managed to surprise my wife with a wedding blessing that actually kinda surprised me also because I didn’t know the details of how it would go.

This was one of the best fish feeding experience we ever had! With the water so clear and batfishes that were not afraid of humans swam really close around us. I’m so proud of my wife, at 7 months.. she was able to swim for a long time with me!

Our beach casita was definitely a winner! Having tried different resorts, this was the best accommodation that we ever stayed in by far! With our own special access to the beachfront was love! When we got to our room, we had snacks and welcome refreshments waiting for us.

My gameplan was basically to distract her the whole day and enjoy the resort facilities. All my wife knew that we were going to have a special dinner at the end of the our 2nd day and I told her that we’ll dress up and have pictures by the beach. She actually was feeling bad the morning we left because she didn’t have something nice to wear for our special dinner. She wanted to pass by Crossings even to get a dress! I had to reveal that I actually got her dress covered and she didn’t buy anything anymore. whew!  The dress that I brought to Amanpulo was from Shirley Chua, a designer and a good friend of ours, who made the dress in 3 days only! Talk about rush! Shirley packed it in a box and my wife opened it the morning of our 2nd day before we went for a private yoga session.

We checked out their huge pool found that it was awesome for taking underwater pics!

The sand of the beach was  definitely like boracay only difference is there are no establishments nor people around. When I borrowed snorkling gear I found it cool that they lent us new ones!

I wondered how it would be like to shoot my own wedding. So I did. I did the prep shots, my wife and and I shot each other’s portraits. Yep my wife can shoot too! I just told her that I simply wanted to capture photos that we can share to our kid/s in the future.

So by around 5:15 I lead my wife to the Picnic Cove. Joel our guest assistant had everything ready already. I actually didn’t know what the set up looked like and how the program would go! I blindfolded my wife before we entered the cove, took a deep breath myself and lead her to the beach.

When she opened her eyes, she was greeted by a bouquet of flowers and  I was given a necklace of flowers too! D:

We then caught a glimpse of the beach set up and it was beautiful! My wife was actually wondering why the table was small as she knew that we were going to have dinner there.  It took a few minutes before she realized it was going to be a ceremony.

Tine started crying when the people beside us started reading us poems. They were kinda sweet and it set the mood for what was going to happen next.  By this time I couldn’t stop looking at my wife and was happy seeing that she was really surprised.  I gave my camera to Joel and the video cam and gave him a crash course in taking pics and videos.. and I think he did a pretty decent job!

My wife told me that she cried even more than she cried during our wedding… Ok I had to admit I cried also a bit.

Our second “first” kiss at sunset.

My wife and I before we got married thought about having a beach wedding since we both loved the beach. It was nice to somehow have a mini wedding again and the only difference that there were no guests around, no pressure, no program, etc. It was just us and God. It really made us reflect on how God has been working in our lives in our first year of marriage. We have much to be thankful for and we were blessed to be in a place that made us feel God’s presence and goodness.

Tine has really bloomed and I just find her even more beautiful. She’s also having a good pregnancy with a little discomfort here and there but overall it has been quite smooth. Another thing that I’m thankful to God for.

My wife always tell me that I carry her less since we got married… So I made a promise to her that I would carry her more and even for the rest of our lives.

It was a great feeling to be married again to the same woman. I thank God for the opportunity to surprise my wife and the little angels who handled coordinating everything and gave us such an unforgettable experience!

After dinner we headed back to our room and was surprised that it was filled with rose petals everywhere! haha! I guess this was how it felt like to have a legit honeymoon! So the pics had to stop here already…..

To husbands out there, I just want to share that pursuing your wife even after marriage, surprising her once in a while is definitely worth it. It’s priceless.